if you say something like „it’s okay to be lost, take your time” to someone in their late twenties who has no education, no job experience and has no idea what to do you’re basically ruining them. cause they’ll be 34 years old with nothing to put in their cv and competing against 25 years old with a degree, internship, courses, etc. who on earth would hire the 34 years old who, according to cv, did nothing after high school for more than 10 years? i sure wouldn’t.

be sympathetic and delicate but push people. this isn’t a world that accommodates people who spend 15 years at home staring at a wall and are 34 years old with nothing but high school diploma and no set direction.

i don’t understand people who let their cats become pregnant only to give away/sell all or some of kittens. more cats born means more cats put to sleep at shelters as they don’t find homes they potentially would if not for the “new additions”. and pregnancies aren’t a walk in the park, it’s heavy on mother’s body.

there are millions of cats waiting for homes that never make it.

(and let’s not talk about breeders who i despise so much i’d burn their homes, children, themselves)

can i stop feeling conscious about my age when engaging with animanga (kids) fans on tumblr? can i just have this one thing?

summer makes me lonely. the strangeness of it in my bones, every year it’s the same and i hate it (i love it).

everything’s weird and short of anxious. it’s here. humid, sticky, awaiting.

the air is thick and it smells of change that never comes.

season of weird, confusing nights.

being 29 years old and around the fandom for more or less 15 years is way too long. there are way too many memories of places and people gone and unreachable, way too many things to long for that can never come back, way too many ties cut and forgotten. the internet is like a graveyard of abandoned places, deserted blogs, shrines, scanlation groups that used to be thriving with people and community, left as remnants of the past that once was but isn’t anymore. people move and shift and grow up, change interests or just the way they engage in them and online world makes it impossible to keep track whenever someone decides to stop and disappear, completely or by moving elsewhere.

all of us who were teenagers and young adults 15 years ago are full adults now and it’s dangerous - remembering, longing, looking back. it’ll never not be bittersweet and full of nostalgia. a past i want to bring to present and have again.

15 years is way too long if you’re unable to move on.

where is everyone now, 10 years later? with kids entering the teenage phase? do they still love what brought us together back then? how is everyone’s lives?

what’s been lost, what’s been found, what belongs to me.

bisexual erasure in animanga fandom is so blatant i’m ready to quit this bullshit. if people want to pair up a character with another one of same gender, they’re coded as homosexual 99.9% of time. it’s like you can only like either oranges or watermelons, the thought of liking both is so foreign to fandom it’s rarely even mentioned. tumblr, the “progressive” site about breaking norms and stereotypes refuses to remember sexuality isn’t a binary of “girls or boys”.

pokemon is fun until you realise it’s basically about owning pets and training them to fight each other, like dog fights where they get hit and hurt, and feel pain. but that’s easy to forget cause it’s cute, aimed at children and you love all of your pet pokemon who take punches in order for you to win prizes and satisfy your ego.

Absolutely it has to be Bakugou! [top] I mean, come on, Bakugou would absolutely flip if he was anything other than number one.

Deku!! I love the idea of him being cared for so he’s the ideal bottom for me.

how does being number one have anything to do with topping during sex? and how does being cared for sexually links to bottoming?

i saw it some time ago in the tag and this is the kind of crap that i hate. tumblr presents itself as such a progressive place full of social justice warriors calling out anyone on anything yet same community that demands grapefruits being tagged as “gore” is very intent on reinforcing established gender roles without even examining it.

the idea that topping, which means penetrating someone with a penis/phallic object, is about being in control, number one and bottoming, meaning getting penetrated, is about being taken care of is a very direct projection of cisheterosexual sex. men, those with penises doing the penetrating, are supposed to be in control, leading, dominating and women, with vaginas, are supposed to “take it” while submitting the control and receiving.

it’s no surprise that when fans want to write about someone being comforted through sex they make them bottom and if someone wants to feel powerful, they make them top. the idea that you can show someone love and worship them through physical intimacy while topping and feel like number one and in charge while bottoming seems to be lost on majority of fans.

is imagining a dominant bottom who makes their top feel cared for such a bizarre idea? how do you, cishet/bi ladies, have sex with your cishet/bi men? do you need to peg them in order to make them feel cared for? is feeling in control out of question for you as a “default bottom”?

the sexual heteronormativity in fandoms is tiring. stop being so boring and traditional.

i’ve always wondered about fanfics and constructive criticism - is it something allowed, wanted and okay? i never leave any comments that aren’t praise but sometimes, even if i love the fic, there’s something that didn’t sit right with me or i think could be worked on. it’s not negative as in to bring the author down, it’s an opinion that could help the author get even better. 

i wish there was a way to leave objective comment that isn’t just praise but some form of critique without feeling awful.

i hate tumblr’s search feature (and why do people use it anyway). unless you write on your own blog in some weird co/de, every post of yours that mentions x thing will appear in a search of x. it’s tumblr assuming we want to forcibly share everything. and i’m not going to wri/te li/ke th/at just because tumblr changed the nice feature of “want to share? tag with tracked tag!” into “want to share? no? well share it for you anyway!”.

screw this.

where’s some good tumblr alternative for fandoms to migrate to.

whenever i see these “i turn 18/19/20 this year i’m fucking old” posts, as someone who has just turned 29 (this is still insane, 29, wtf) i wonder if i was also stupidly thinking these ages were “old” when i hit them.

on most days i’m fine but then there are those where i know i’m aroace – not interested practically but not minding the beauty of abstract idea. for past 8-10 years i haven’t had any human relationship but maybe it’s because i sit at home, don’t meet anyone, am disgusted by people on general level. bisexuality has been my label, my pride, my armour since i was 10/11. but i’m almost very “meh” about the thought of putting effort into meeting someone even just for a quick fuck. that the quick fuck i have in my head will never be what i can find in reality. and then i wish it all somehow appeared before me, the relationship defined as i want it and working in ways i need it to be, the sex just like in my head – all of it skipping the part where i actually have to work for it. i open the door and there’s a partner(s) who fits me, just like that, without any of getting to know each other. a booty call calling me out of nowhere without me having to go through a hassle of finding someone i wouldn’t want to kill.

sometimes i’m confused and wish i knew which label i fit neatly and for there t be just one. because labels aren’t just words, they’re words representing a huge meaning. and i’m bisexual but also aroace and these two are queer and lgbtq but so much different. i’ve experienced both but on some days i feel like by trying to hold two things, they both slip and i’m left with nothing.

when people tell you “don’t worry, it’s never too late to figure things out, you’re just 23!” it’s bullshit. it’s your last moment to move because from then you’ll only get older and people younger than you will always be a better, fresher and safer choice. when you’re 30 years old and only starting to actually work, you are considered to be a failure next to 23-25 years old young people. you have “wasted your time, problematic, useless” written on you because being 30 and having no work experience from jobs or internships? what have you been doing for past decade then?

take your time to figure yourself out but also be mindful that reality you live in won’t bend to you.

everywhere around me are people my age and younger with jobs, families, flats and houses and i have no degree, no work experience, nothing. it used to be “they’re older, i’ll get there” but now it’s “they’re younger and yet i still haven’t gotten where they are”.

it’s terrifying seeing people your age and younger having independent lives with at least one job to fill in cv. a degree. anything. what can i write in my cv under job experience? “i’m 29 years old and have been lost for past 16 years, i’ve never worked in my life properly, give me a chance instead of all those young, early-twenties people”.

i’m tired yet i keep on living and am not dying. i wish i was.

when exactly did i start to censor myself? when did i stop making nsfw posts about characters and headcanons, something i’ve always loved because sex is fascinating? when did i start to not post things on my own blog because of people who may be looking of their own choice? when did i start to tailor what’s always supposed to be an expression of myself to others?

i’m cleaning my archive and i used to be so much more – honest and free here. the idea behind this tumblr has always been to express whatever is there i want to express. i used to reblog sex scenes, write sex/make out headcanons, explore sexual sides of characters i’ve loved. i think, at the point when i came back to animanga, i started to mind that those who look may not like what they see.

except my responsibility is only to tag and warn, make sure people know it’s nsfw/mature, not stop writing and posting.

i still do it, in my head. bakugou, for example. matured and in a relationship, i love thinking how his personality would channel itself during sex. dominant? pushy? shy? creative? but i never write it anymore. cause kids may be looking and yes, kids shouldn’t see this. but i always warn and tag.

i am not responsible for how people consume their media or the internet. i’m responsible for making sure people are warned about any content i may provide.

and i want it back. i want to stop limiting myself on the one place that’s mine.

it’ll be nsfw.

(or, after i’m done cleaning up this blog, i’ll remake for real. same url, a new start)